When relationships get strained, we’re stressed. The energy it takes to resolve conflicts is huge.
The energy it takes to carry on without resolving conflicts is huge.
What a drain. We’d all like to improve relationships, right?
How do you lead on?
My colleague Jeremy and I were recently working on a new product. Jeremy’s an MD, and he was telling me how multi-factorial a particular illness is – how many things influence it. He told me how difficult it was for patients to hear that complexity.
In the examining room not long ago, he talked with a patient and gave a detailed, 5-minute well-intentioned brilliant monologue. The patient (who had listened patiently) looked at him steely-eyed and said, “So give it to me, Doc, what’s the bottom line?”
That’s what we want, isn’t it? We want to know the one thing, the crux of it.
My friend Kim calls this “netting it out.” It’s viewed as a strength by some, this ability to net it out.
And yet those of us who are observers of human behavior cling to multi-factorial, complicated explanations, because they do – indeed – cover a comprehensive picture. We aren’t, as it turns out, simple beings when it comes to our behavior, are we? There really are multiple motivators for why we do what we do.
Let’s call a truce.
After consulting with hundreds of clients in the workplace for over 15 years, guess what? I’ve found there are themes, common reasons for why we have difficulty getting along with others. Common reasons for why we have difficulty leading others.
If we had to net it out, what’s the One Thing getting in our way?
And this goes for the person you’re having conflict with, too. What’s the One Thing getting in his or her way?
In your mind’s eye, think of someone you’ve had trouble getting along with lately. What does the conversation look like? Watch it over again in your head. Look hard.
Now consider this: What if the other person had really listened to you?
What if that person completely understood you because their listening was so good? They got you. That’s how well they listened to you.
And … What if you had really listened to the other person?
That’s the One Thing: Improve your listening skills.
That’s it.
Become a better listener.
How?
- Re-set your Listening Mindset before the conversation.
- Remind yourself that the other person’s view is shaped by their own perspective and experience.
- It’s not your perspective and experience – naturally, it’ll be different from your view.
- Clear your mind of your own view. It’s hard, but you can do it.
- Rather than anticipate what they’ll say next, remain quiet and listen for what they say next.
- When they’re through, stay with their thoughts by saying, “I believe I heard what you said – can I just check, and repeat it in my own words?” and then tell them what you heard. They’ll clarify if they hear you say something they didn’t intend.
Try the above suggestions – they’re a really good starting place.
Look at that last item – you’re actually getting feedback on your listening skills. Real time feedback. Which means the other person will let you know important information about how good of a listener you are. People pay for that type of information.
When you try this approach, I predict you’ll hear things differently. More deeply. More completely.
And that kind of listening leads to understanding. Which leads to other good things and improved relationships. Really.
The One Thing to do?
Listen better.
Go forth and listen well.
Lead On.
P.S. If you’re already a good listener, what’s your One Thing? Maybe being more assertive and sharing your views with others (rather than holding back).
P.S.S. Work on One Thing At A Time and it will help Everything.
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